I haven’t written (again), in a seemingly long stretch of a potentially exaggerated 1 million years.
Intentionally.
And unintentionally, too, I guess.
Today, I realized I needed to write something other than random feedback on a student’s paper who may, or may not, really even read it.
I haven’t even logged into word press for a LONG time. Yet, somehow, magically, my forgotten blog is still getting hits in the thousands a month….and by thousands I really mean a thousand and some sprinkles on top.
Maybe I need to just write more.
But, writing is becoming elusive.
I spend hours upon hours writing lesson plans and grading papers. I am teaching 7 college courses…soon to be 8…meaning I have about 210 students, on the road of about 240.
That is a lot of students.
And a lot of papers.
And no, this college professor doesn’t get a TA or ‘readers.’
I just have me.
And as I accepted yet another course from my 4th hiring institution today, I realized, that teaching 8 classes at 4 institutions still puts me a poverty levels for earnings in the county where I live.
How insane is that?
A fulltime college professor teaches, on average, 4 courses a semester.
I make about 1/3 of what they make.
So, to be equitable in pay, I need to teach 12 classes a semester.
Which, quite frankly, means the classes are going to be shit – or, I just really can’t do it.
As I spent yet another day in the classroom and night grading shit nobody is going to care about more than the point value I assign them, I decided I needed to reconnect with words that are totally disconnected from teacher feedback.
And, quite frankly, I have very little to say.
I’m drowning slowly in higher education.
Oddly, I feel like I am making progress…getting my foot in the door at new places and teaching on new campuses and being challenged by new students.
But, it is hard to work 14 hour days as a “professional’ and not earn enough money to ever even fathom retiring.
Alas, I guess that is just my path.
I keep reminding myself, that I am exactly where I need to be.
I am my ‘right place’ at the ‘right time’ even though I don’t really like it.
Maybe in embracing my academic treading water I am accepting an ideology of predestination: We are all only navigating the paths that have already been outlined for us.
If that is the case, then I can just scurry along and have this blind faith that my hours in the classroom and in front of the assessment computer are bringing me to this better place of reality.
Blind faith seems to work well for me.
Maybe that is the lesson I’ve come to peace with.
The relinquishing of power has been a long-lasting theme around these parts for years.
Maybe I’ve let it go.
Maybe I’ve learned to blindly trust that ‘things will work out exactly the way they are supposed to.” (my college boyfriend used to always say that).
And I guess they are.
Even though the pieces are not falling into the place where I would have ideally let them be strategically organized, I can say that lots of opportunities have opened up that have provided for me; extra (desperately needed) income, new peers, new curriculum, and a change to refresh myself as an educator.
Oiling the gears of advancing.
Someone recently told me that I ‘needed to put my time in’ to appreciate life.
I think I’m there.
My dad has told me for years that I’m burning from both ends of the candle…and that working like that will fry me.
I’ve been pushing forward with crazy intensity for years now – always thinking that I can take a breath after the next mountain top.
But, the mountain never really never seems to flatten into the plateau I’d think was at the peak.
I’ll just keep climbing. Working. With blind faith.
Trusting that eventually I’ll understand the journey.
And until then….
I’ll keep collecting classes every semester like an investor collects properties in the hope that eventually I’ll break past the ground floor of poverty and back into the middle class.
And to keep things fresh, I just need more pit stops in the Candy Jar.
Life sweetened by power hidden in the written words.
